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badminton umpire


previously on the pantsless detective constance? the pantsless detective in color inframed by the past


badminton umpire

act 5: rescue or recriminations! stall! i prefer urinals. stall!

oh. oh! ... ummm... please! no more! i'll tell you everything.i'll tell you everything! how sad. so easily broken. you truly are a disgrace to your father'slegacy. what do you know of my father's legacy? i say this not because i need to stall for time, but because it all began when i was eight years old... mommy? can daddy play catch with me?

not now, dollface, your father has to work. he's a very important detective. i hate stupid detectives! richard eaglefeather panceliss! now, now mother. he doesn't understand. yes i do! "detective" means daddy goes away. richard - you see these pants? stupid pants!

no. no. these are the crowning achievement of my profession. very few men meet the highideals they represent. few men, or women. heh heh heh heh heh, yes........women. richard, these are the gold standard oflaw enforcement. these are my..... detective pants!!!

respect the pants, richard, and they willalways respect you. i will, father. now run along and play. i'll be home after i investigatethis whorehouse sex-swing, triple-slashing murder-rape. we think it's the double-headed dildo killer again. father! your shoes! no worries, dollface. he'll get them when he gets home. your shoes...when he gets home...your shoes...gets home... i never saw my father again.

he was killed at the whorehouse by a divorced badminton umpire with surprisingly little to lose. so you wear sandals now to honor your father's memory? what? oh, no, they're just morecomfortable than shoes. enough! you stall any longer and i shall have to pay a monthly stable fee. give me what i want! one... two... why do we have to do this at the same time again?

three! heeeey! nobody move! i'm the secretary! i have correction tape, and i take dictation! hold it! everybody be cool. she's brandishing a nearly obsolete skill set. thanks for the hospitality, bruno,but i think we'll be leaving now... ...what with tomorrow being canadian lincoln's birthday and all.

i believe you have my gun. hey. that's not a real gun. i believe you are still outgunned, three to one,my little pantsless. three to three, bruno! and i believe i break the tie. turncoats. you win for now my sweet, sweet pantsless.you win for now.

don't forget you detective pants. oh! that's right - you were depantsed. we have to get out of here while we still can. next time i get a gun, too. i'm sorry you had to see that, mr. fitz. a trial by fire, mr. nottamole. you handled yourself well. l predict a long, flourishing career for you in our organization. mails in. looks like you got a package from the bath salts of the month club.

oh, you you can have that if you want, dollface. i find them disappointing. they make my bath fries taste terrible. well i'm really glad they droppedthe murder charges against you. they never found constance's body, only her shoes. by statute, recovery of the shoes is enough to claim someone dead, but not enough for a murder charge. wait. what? the law's the law, dollface. when a broad from your past returns, oldfeelings get stirred up like a hornet's nest in a hot tub.

it just goes to show ya: dames are like the flu ... ... they give you the chills ... ... flood you with snot ... ... leave you hugging the toilet, begging for death. you get your shots. you think you're immune. but one day when you least expect it ... ... you break out in cold sweats ...

... your stomach gets queasy ... ... and you completely lose track of your metaphor. and that's when ... they return! the pantsless detective will return in season four play it again, dick even more still dick, even more still no pants.

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